Freaking Tinnitus - The bloody loud sound of silence

I wonder what I wouldn't do... what I would do... what I could do... to stop the bloody siren in my head that is Tinnitus. Apparently it's common in ten percent of the population but only a small percent of those people's quality of life is affected by it. OOOh, I feel so lucky now! I'm one of the tortured few.

There is a line of thought that Tinnitus is the result of a deficiency or something you are putting into your body that you shouldn't. I think many conditions probably are. I believe that to some degree. I was always told as a kid that one day I would pay for not eating my greens. I would regret a diet of sugar and fats. I was hoping for a heart attack at 65... I thought that was a good pay off for all the KFC and coke I could eat and drink. Nah, I can't deal with that sort of guilt, that sort of regret. I know of very healthy people who suffer with Tinnitus.

It seems there are many other terrifying and deadly things that your body can do in revenge for poisoning it or 'whatever'. It puts up with a lot - our body - but it can only be pushed so far. It's amazing how amazing it is, but it's also amazing how many different things there are that can go wrong with it. I suppose we miss things more when we lose them. A blind person would probably swap his condition for deafness, and vice versa. I would chop off my legs for seven days of golden silence. I would give up chocolate and Coke if I was guaranteed it would heal my ears. I haven't the will power to give these things up for long enough to find out. Dammit. It's just so expensive to eat all the organic food that is needed (or not needed).

Eat all food raw... they must be organic... picked that week... not peeled... not cooked... no tap water... no sugar... no bad fats... you must stand on one foot while eating barley wheat... blah blah blah. If I'm going to live life with this freaking condition then I want to be able to sip on cold Coke while eating bbq chicken pizza. If I can't then it isn't living anyway.

The horrible beginning:

I started to get a ringing in my ears in July 2002 and I assumed it would go away. It was hard to sleep but I didn't stress because I was sure it would go away soon. Two days later I woke up to the sound of cicadas and I asked my wife if she heard it. She said she did... and I cried with relief that perhaps it was all in my head and that there was a cicada in the house?? I looked up this 'ringing' on the Internet. Big mistake! There was a cicada permanently lodged in my frontal lobe.
I was now educated to the fact that this condition has no cure. The noise got louder as the days passed. It has remained loud but varies depending on how tired I am. If I have an afternoon nap (or try to) it attacks me like a frakking foghorn. I often broke down and curled up into a foetal position wishing myself to death. Crying until tears dried up. Praying for death. Hoping for death. Crying was not helping but it was all I could do. Crying alone at my computer. The thought of death was so comforting. My death would devastate too many people I loved... it was not an option but was still comforting to know that one day I would die because it's definite and would stop the ringing. I still have no fear of death and still do look forward to it, sort of. Until then I will enjoy as much as I can... I will try to live for my children and for their happiness.

God and tinnitus

I had little hope for recovery and three years later I have no hope, but am habituating it better some days. Back then though my God had deserted me. My faith was tried and I failed to fit God into the scenario. I am still angry at God but am not really blaming Him; I mean I don't know if he really exists, and his continuing silence isn't helping him. I am tired of praying. If he's there, he heard me the first time. Pray in tongues, pray and fast, pray hard, cry out to God, demand of God. Whatever I did, the volume of tinnitus didnl't change. It sux... why did God allow tinnitus... why did he design and allow toads to exist. I'm angry about the toads. I hate tinnitus, toads, traffic lights, terrorists, and many other words starting with the letter T.

I did 'feel' I was partially healed once, during the early tinnitus years... and it felt miraculous. The tinnitus was coupled with vertigo which used to come and go. It was terrible; really really terrible. I couldn't even walk straight during these bouts of vertigo and they would last up to six weeks at a time. Without trying to look like I'm garnering sympathy, I have to admit it was mental and physical agony. While praying once... the vertigo stopped. It has not come back in the last three years since that night. That is good because I could not cope with both (my heart goes out to those with meniares desease... I want to hold you all and cry with you and pray with you all)

I do find comfort in thinking this is a learning experience and a challenge. That's what life is.
Life's not a song... life is not bliss... life is just this... it's living (Jos Whedon, Spike, Buffy the Vampire slayer). Well, that's a quote from a vampire with no soul. Still, life isn't easy and it's not supposed to be. It isn't all that bad though because there's lots of pretty stuff to look at and pizza to eat.

Vain attempts to cure myself

For months I kept a portable radio on me so I could listen to the static. It was like candy for my ears. I showered 2 or 3 times a day for the blissful masking effect of the water. I bought every type of small radio I could find. I got so sick of explaining to people why I had earphones on. Even when at university during lectures I had to wear them. I must have looked like a bloody lunatic. Sometimes the radio would pick up a signal instead of white noise and the whole class would look at me. People always regard me as something af an oddity so most didn't bat an eyelid.

I barely survived many sleepless nights full of anxiety attacks and panic attacks. I tried a few sleeping pills until I discovered the magic of Stilnox. 30 months later I still thank the gods for them. I have tried to wean off but am terrified of returning to the nights of hell and torment I endured while willing myself to sleep.

I must have spent about a year in absolute depression... and not the chemical imbalance one... I'd like that one... at least there's medication (I tried anti-depressants but they all made me feel a hundred and thiry-five times worse... WORSE... omigod how freaking bad did I feel... holy crap... note to myself... never ever ever take another anti-depressant!!!!!!!!!!!).

My wife could not understand the depth of sheer despair I was experiencing and I was protecting her by not sharing. People tell me that I should have. There's nothing anybody can do to help me so there is no real point in sharing the pain with them. I am very empathetic to the pain of others. I can't watch the news because I feel too much sorrow for the victims of tragedy. The sympathy of others doesn't help. I have tinnitus and it's my problem. I have tinnitus... you don't have to worry about. I like it that other people can't hear what I do. I love it that my kids can go to sleep and not hear this cursed siren.

Advice to new tinnitus sufferers

So why am I sharing this in my blog? Maybe someone is about to start the painful journey I have been on. Learn from my mistakes please. You don't have to make the same ones. Don't mask it out with radios. Get therapy from tinnitus therapists and believe them - they know. It really is just a noise, it won't get worse but it won't go away either. You must accept it and don't waste time looking for magic cures because they aren't out there. I have a feeling that an extreme change of diet would help... well, it certainly wouldn't hurt.

I researched literally hundreds of online websites and remedies. I was more than desperate and clutched at every straw I could find. I spent over two thousand dollars going to hypnotherapists, acupuncturists, chiropractors, bowen therapy, naturopaths, and about six other therapies that I cannot remember. I prayed. I went on different diets. I detoxed. I prayed. Everything takes three months to work (apparently) and I couldnt get passed two before trying something else. I needed a healing and I need it next week.

I cried so hard and so silently. I cried so much but would not let my wife or kids know. I learnt how to cry without showing it in my face. Tinnitus was bad enough but to have my wife and kids mourn and grieve for my pain would not help it. It would only spread it. That comforts me when I do. it takes away the loneliness to some degree. Other people live in this world where silence is a dream.

Many of these people I meet have learnt to habituate the tinnitus. They usually have it under control in about two years. I have always been a slow learner and poorly disciplined. I hate myself that I am still on sleeping tablets but will not beat myself over it too much. I suppose I have become selfish. I will spend money on myself if it will make me happy and stuff all those people who don't have tinnitus. Imagine not having tinnitus and being depressed. I am angry at people who don't have tinnitus and still think they have the right to be depressed about their lives. Of course I have always been a bit self-centred and am starting to realise that I am hurting other people which is bad... and sad. Stuff 'em. You don't have tinnitus so you're ok! I see that the reasoning sucks there and my tongue is in cheek. I'm sure wheel-chaired people are amazed that fully functional walkers can get depressed about their favourite tv shows being cancelled (I am still upset of Angel being cancelled after its 5th season... waaahhhhhhhh).

Tinnitus... pronouced "tin I tuss" or "tin it tiss". I hate it... I
freaking hate it when I tell a doctor I have 'tin It tuss' and they say...
oh "Tinn uh tiss".... or vica versa... shees man... it can be pronounced either
way... most dictionaries pronounce it "tin it us". This is my one pet hate in
life... well, one of them. That and toads... freaking toads.